Sunday, May 23, 2010
Double-Post Day! SECRETS TO PUBLICATION REVEALED
THE BIGGEST SECRET TO SUCCESS IN PUBLISHING YOUR BOOK!
At last, I have been granted permission to reveal the biggest secret in writing! I’m soooooo excited! This material was published a few years ago, but the government seized it and deemed it classified material and restricted it to a rare few who possessed the proper clearance, which is “Over the Top, Pinky-Swear, In the Stratosphere Top, Top, Really-Top Secret.” Only lit professors who specialize in the works of Samuel Richardson and in particular, his novel, Pamela, or, Virtue Rewarded, have been deemed to have the proper clearance and credentials to view this revealing document. Even then, they have to demonstrate they know the gang signal and the secret handshake to gain access to it.
I had to petition the government under the Freedom of Information Act for its release, and it was only because I did the smart thing of hand-delivering my appeal on a Sunday, when all of the bureaucrats were out of the office, attending the annual Capitol Office Worker’s Bingo and Lobbyist’s Picnic, held on the pastoral grounds of the Watergate Hotel, and luckily, a janitor was there, dusting their awards for going over budget, and I was able to convince him to locate the necessary rubber stamp.
For those writers who have read all the writer’s how-tos, attended all the writer’s conferences, logged onto all the boring writer’s blogs (except this one, natch!), and all the agent’s blogs and websites, in hopes of discovering the secret to publication—this is the only source you’ll ever need to learn the inside secret of getting your book published. What follows is the document, with a few spots marked out as per the government’s usual deletion of especially sensitive material, still considered classified.
This is dedicated to you!
Without further ado, I present:
THE SECRET OF GETTING PUBLISHED
There are only three rules to guaranteeing your opus will get published. They are:
1. You should always we,vieonmnsormemitl and then kkkkkkkkkkkkk as well as (of course!) use
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm to llllllllllllllllllllllllllll your manuscript. This secret alone will
2. Ask kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk for the llllllllllllllllllllllllll which, as you can readily see, will
3. And, finally… and most important, always kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk to gain pppppppppppppp and grant you lllllllllllllllllll and to iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii and prevent ooooooooooooooooo from mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm as well as iiiiiiiiiii as that may cause lllllllllllllllll and ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, to wreck mmmmm. And, don’t neglect to mmmmmmmmmmmmm ;;;;;;;;;;;;;; and jjjjjjjjjjjjj for obvious reasons!
And, there you have it!
I’ll be looking for you on the shelves of Borders!
Waiting room for the Office of Information. Looks like another busy day!