Sunday, May 23, 2010

Double-Post Day! SECRETS TO PUBLICATION REVEALED


THE BIGGEST SECRET TO SUCCESS IN PUBLISHING YOUR BOOK!

At last, I have been granted permission to reveal the biggest secret in writing! I’m soooooo excited! This material was published a few years ago, but the government seized it and deemed it classified material and restricted it to a rare few who possessed the proper clearance, which is “Over the Top, Pinky-Swear, In the Stratosphere Top, Top, Really-Top Secret.” Only lit professors who specialize in the works of Samuel Richardson and in particular, his novel, Pamela, or, Virtue Rewarded, have been deemed to have the proper clearance and credentials to view this revealing document. Even then, they have to demonstrate they know the gang signal and the secret handshake to gain access to it.

I had to petition the government under the Freedom of Information Act for its release, and it was only because I did the smart thing of hand-delivering my appeal on a Sunday, when all of the bureaucrats were out of the office, attending the annual Capitol Office Worker’s Bingo and Lobbyist’s Picnic, held on the pastoral grounds of the Watergate Hotel, and luckily, a janitor was there, dusting their awards for going over budget, and I was able to convince him to locate the necessary rubber stamp.

For those writers who have read all the writer’s how-tos, attended all the writer’s conferences, logged onto all the boring writer’s blogs (except this one, natch!), and all the agent’s blogs and websites, in hopes of discovering the secret to publication—this is the only source you’ll ever need to learn the inside secret of getting your book published. What follows is the document, with a few spots marked out as per the government’s usual deletion of especially sensitive material, still considered classified.

This is dedicated to you!

Without further ado, I present:

THE SECRET OF GETTING PUBLISHED

There are only three rules to guaranteeing your opus will get published. They are:

1. You should always we,vieonmnsormemitl and then kkkkkkkkkkkkk as well as (of course!) use

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm to llllllllllllllllllllllllllll your manuscript. This secret alone will

guarantee publication!

2. Ask kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk for the llllllllllllllllllllllllll which, as you can readily see, will

insure publication!

3. And, finally… and most important, always kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk to gain pppppppppppppp and grant you lllllllllllllllllll and to iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii and prevent ooooooooooooooooo from mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm as well as iiiiiiiiiii as that may cause lllllllllllllllll and ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, to wreck mmmmm. And, don’t neglect to mmmmmmmmmmmmm ;;;;;;;;;;;;;; and jjjjjjjjjjjjj for obvious reasons!

And, there you have it!
I’ll be looking for you on the shelves of Borders!
Blue skies,
Les Edgerton

Waiting room for the Office of Information. Looks like another busy day!

10 comments:

Theresa Milstein said...

Now that you've given away these long hidden secrets, I'll have to dedicate my first published book to you. Should be any day now....

gerald1975 said...

Les, thank you kindly for those pearls of wisdom. I have been floundering along for so long now adrift on the sea of ignorance, but thanks to these redacted tips its won't be long before I'm a household name. Currently inserting random words to decode your messages. Shouldn't take too long...

Les Edgerton said...

Thanks, Theresa! And, Gerald, I'm really sorry but that's just our government in action... It's for our own good...

Lynda Young said...

All I can say is...lol.

Shannon O'Donnell said...

Oh, my gosh! I commented on this the day you posted it. I guess your blog ate my comment! ha ha.

Anyway, I popped over to thank you for your comment on my blog today. I appreciate it more than you know. I'm both excited and terrified, but I have my seat belt on and I'm ready to roll! *fingers crossed*

Les Edgerton said...

Thanks, Shannon. And, thanks again for the award. Do I understand correctly that I can pass it on? If so, how do I do that?

Christine Danek said...

I will take this advice. You have given away some hidden secrets. I should have a published novel in no time.
Thanks!

Shannon O'Donnell said...

To pass it on, you are supposed to list 10 things that make you happy (I had already done this before, so that's why you didn't see it on my post) and then you can choose up to ten blogs to pass it to. :-)

carlrbrush said...

I don't believe for a second that this was an official government transaction because I didn't see the word "redacted" used once.

Les Edgerton said...

Carl, the word "redacted" was in there three times, but was blacked out. But, it was the son of a congressman interning in the office, so perhaps he hadn't completed the training course yet...

Glad you guys got some value out of these "secrets." I can reveal now they were discovered in a small chamber in the Gaza pyramid...