Saturday, January 8, 2011


Hi folks,
My mother lives an hour north of me in South Bend, Indiana. She just called me a few minutes ago to give me the weather report. She's 88, so I get almost daily weather reports. She doesn't realize there's an invention called "television" that also reports on the weather fairly regularly. I don't tell her because what else would we talk about? Electricity?

Even though South Bend is only an hour north of us here in Ft. Wayne, they get an entirely different kind of weather. Lying just south of Lake Michigan, they get the full brunt of the "lake effect" where snow comes over Lake Michigan from Canada and waits until the snow clouds sight land and then dumps it. On South Bend and the general area from Michigan City over. By the time the clouds reach Ft. Wayne, they're pretty much depleted and that's the way I like it.

She had a great report today. She said they already had 24 inches of snow and it was still snowing and was supposed to all day. It made me feel so good! Why? Because we had half an inch and it's pretty well melted off...

I laughed so hard at her news that I had to hang up. I called her back and gave her one of those "little white lies" you give your mother. I told her there was this hysterically funny show on TV that I was watching and that's why I broke up laughing. She asked me what a TV was and I had to explain that and then  we hung up. I await an update tomorrow.

Did I mention I hate snow? I didn't see any until I was 12 years old, growing up in Freeport, Texas which isn't noted much for its blizzards. Once I saw some, I was over it. Never wanted to see any ever again. In fact, I don't like that "changing of the seasons" people go fruity over. In my perfect world, it would always be 95 degrees with 100% humidity for 364 days of the year. On one day a year, we would have winter, which would be a day when the temp went down to 75 and the tips of the palm tree fronds would turn brown. But, for only one day!

A few minutes after talking to Mom, I received an email from some good friends of mine, John and Angie Felabom, and they sent me the following. I wish I knew the author so I could give him or her proper credit and if I find out who it was, I'll include it. John and Angie live in South Bend, so they were experiencing the same weather as Mom.

I wish them the best...

              Diary of a Demented INDIANA-ER

December 8 - 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down
from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So
romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9  
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world?

Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! 
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered
up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-
we'll definitely have a white Christmas.  No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much
snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see
snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such
a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature
dropped to -20.  The cold makes everything sparkle so.
The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by
shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!  
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in
shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants
a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The
wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17

Still below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to
her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of
the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to

find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're
lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about
buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob
says I have to shovel or the city will have it done
and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold,
it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes
to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I
had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and
dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of
the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the
asshole is lying.

December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house
this morning. What is she, nuts?!! 
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She
says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow,
I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack.
If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow
plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and
beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100
miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25

Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight -
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God,
I hate the snow!

Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife
says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a  fricking
idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one
more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here?

It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;
plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he
only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!

December 29

Snowed again. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever
heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now
he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the
beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the
broken snow shovel up his ass.

 The wife went home to her mother.

Nine more inches predicted.

December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more

January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

 South Bend just after they dug out from the last snow...

Perfect weather and the perfect Christmas tree!


Mary said...

Hysterical! I grew up in snow but fled south when I was 18 and never went back! I like to say I put a snow shovel on my shoulder and walked south until someone asked what that thing was and I knew I'd gone far enough. Don't know who I stole the line from... but I HATE SNOW!

Anonymous said...

This definitely is hysterical, as Mary says. I needed a good laugh today. THANKS.

I, too, hate snow, though I loved it when I was growing up. But then, I was a child who didn't have to worry about shoveling out and keeping the fires going.

Les Edgerton said...

Good one, Mary! That's perfect. I just got an email from an old and dear friend of mine from South Bend who read this and she said: Les,
I think your blog on snow was hilarious. I had gone out to dig my car out and realized it was too much and I had no place to go anyway. It looked like I had three mattresses on top of my car. When I read your blog I laughed so hard. I needed that. Thanks!


I'm with you, Ann. When we moved up north to South Bend when I was 12, we had a coal stove and my job was to shovel out the ashes once a week and take them out to put on the ice on the sidewalk and in the street. Every time I see that guy on that show "Dirty Jobs" I think... I know a job that's REALLY dirty... Also, we lived for a year with my grandpa and they didn't have indoor plumbing so that meant the outhouse for our "business." I slept in a bedroom with no heat, but with my two uncles, one a year older and one a year younger, and we'd eat apples from their orchard and then to get warm, try to light each others' farts... Now you see why I hate snow...

Raquel Byrnes said...

LOL! I actually spit coffee all over my desk. "I think they're lying..." This totally reminds me of stories my husband tells me about growing up in Westchester New York.

As a California gal...I have no idea what you are talking about. We go and visit snow on the mountain like its an attraction...then come home and drink hot cocoa on our porch.

Sure looks beautiful though. *sigh*
Edge of Your Seat Romance

Anne Gallagher said...

The weather people can't get their act together here. They predict it and it doesn't come. They say only a dusting and it falls to 8 inches. I wish they'd get someone who actually knows how to predict the storms.

I don't mind shoveling once. After that, I'm over it.

Of course my daughter wants snow in the worst way, she just received two pair of snow pants and two sleds. But gets who doesn't have snow pants and has to sled with her?

I'm too old for this...

Les Edgerton said...

Raquel, I hope you didn't spit coffee on your 'puter! (I think you're lying...) LOL

Anne, what you said reminded me of a "weather forecast" I witnessed a few years ago before cable when we basically had only three channels. I was switching stations and happened to hit all three local weather forecasts. Each one had a different high and low posted for the day and each had a different forecast. None got it right. In fact, one called for clear skies for that afternoon and at the exact moment he was saying that we were in a downpour.
True story...

And, can anybody tell me what those weather pictures mean or how to read them, with the colored winds or rain or whatever it is that keep getting rerun over the same area. It always looks like the needle just stuck and it keeps repeating the same thing over and over and I just can't make sense out of what they're supposed to be. Kind of look like Rohrshach (sp?) blobs on steroids...