Most of you know I'm a huge fan of a living literary legend, William Joyce. Happily, today an interview he did with Richard Godwin just came out on Richard's interview site, Chin Wag at the Slaughterhouse, a must-see stop on the literary trail. Here's what William had to say:
Sunday, October 16, 2016
WILLIAM JOYCE INTERVIEW BY RICHARD GODWIN
Hi folks,
Most of you know I'm a huge fan of a living literary legend, William Joyce. Happily, today an interview he did with Richard Godwin just came out on Richard's interview site, Chin Wag at the Slaughterhouse, a must-see stop on the literary trail. Here's what William had to say:
Most of you know I'm a huge fan of a living literary legend, William Joyce. Happily, today an interview he did with Richard Godwin just came out on Richard's interview site, Chin Wag at the Slaughterhouse, a must-see stop on the literary trail. Here's what William had to say:
· ·
Quick Fire At The Slaughterhouse:
Interview With William Joyce
William Joyce has had an intensive literary career whose
vicissitudes exemplify the shallow fickleness of the industry. This is a writer
who knew Norman Mailer, and who wrote a first novel, First Born Of An Ass, that
baffled the reviewers, not hard given their restricted reader’s skills, and he
carried on. That is what writers do especially those who challenge society.
William met me at The Slaughterhouse, where we talked about his place in the
American legacy and the tethering of literature by social conditioning.
What is your enduring relationship as a writer with the American
legacy?
Enduring?? I don’t
have enough money for next month’s rent so my relationship with the American
legacy is the least of my concerns. I’m hoping to ENDURE without sleeping on
the street.
But since you
mentioned it, which “America” are you talking about? There’s the U.S. “America”
which has misappropriated the name and there’s the continent America named
after America Vespucci, an Italian cartographer.
If you’re talking
about the U.S., as soon as I die–shortly– the academics will build a statue to
me, and put me in the Pantheon of Buster Keaton, W.C. Fields, and Charlie
Chaplin. As long as they erect an emaciated statue, I’ll be happy.
But if you’re talking
about the continent America, I identify just as much with Eduardo Galeano as
W.C. Fields or Henry Miller. That would also be true with another dozen Latin
American and West Indian writers like Aime Cesaire, Vallejo, Rulfo, Asturias,
and Jose Donoso.
To what extent do you think America and Europe now are tethered
by social conditioning and a failure to appreciate breakthrough literature, if
you think of the effect Henry Miller had on the literary establishment, and how
much was your novel First Born an anarchic assault on those limiting
sensibilities?
Well, I think the
difference between now and then is that Henry Miller’s Tropic of Cancer had
eloquent defenders. There was in Europe and the U.S. in 1935, or 1960, an
aristocracy of critics who had the confidence to take on any book, no matter
how low-life, and articulate its vitality. These connosseurs of what is best in
the written word do not exist now.
First Born of an Ass had no such defenders. In 1989 when it came
out, there were book reviewers who applauded the novel but no one who really
took its measure. It was “breakthrough” in the sense that it used apparent
losers to define a way of life in a particular setting, the steel mill towns of
Western Pennsylvania.
What also made it
breakthrough was that like Tropic it disparaged the entire the entire set of
bourgeoise values. Art, thrift, cleanliness, progress, education,
respectability all are washed down the drain.
All of these
“Breakthrough” books have another thing in common–The Body. Donleavy’s The
Ginger Man, Tropic of Cancer, and First Born of an Ass never get far away from
the body. If Tropic could be said to be one large stomach, First Born is nothing
but one sprawling intestine. It is the world viewed from the digestive
apparatus.
This is the last thing
the Modern World of isms and sects wants to hear. The Bible, the Koran, the
Talmud, deny the body. It is always suspect. With its unpredictability, it
needs to be reigned in, harnessed, covered up. All of literary censorship is
predicated upon this. If the body can be denied, it can be used as a tool to
perpetuate profits and a slice of propaganda.
The most important
thing about Breakthrough Writing is that a lot of the time it is funny. And
once you have people laughing, they’re going to look around and see the
absurdity of their own situation. Then, they kick off their high-heels, or
loosen their neckties, become slightly human. Now the writing is a threat.
A long time ago, there
were men, and occasionally women, who saw all this and in a leisurely fashion
wrote about the joy and insights they got from such unpredictable material. No
such arbiters exist today and it is one of the reasons humans are becoming
junkies at an unprecedented rate. What we have in place of excellence is the
voice of the Mob. And there is hardly anything they don’t know.
Do you think that Art and literature are being increasingly
repressed by social engineering and the rise of the far right and its
Christianising tendencies in the US and what is the antidote?
Repression? Social
Engineering?? Whatever is going on it has made people dumb. In all the
countries people are so dumb it’s a wonder they’re alive.
In 1966, Roberto
Rosselini, the pioneer Italian film director, said in an interview that Europe
was headed toward an infantile society. We’re there now. Billions of people
just waiting to be fed, no sign of life anywhere.
Look, if an educated
man has the choice of eating a pizza or reading a good book, he’ll take the
pizza. The pizza has taste right away whereas the good book takes work. You
have to bring something to the book–desire, a sense of adventure, a willingness
to explore; the reader has to have energy. Ahhh, but with the pizza you need
only open your mouth. Bingo! Everything is taken care of. All you need is
dollars or euros and You’re set. And dollars or euros is all that most people
have. Desire was flushed long ago into the gearboxes of nasty machines.
The problem is that
the wheat for the dough in the pizza is full of GMOs. The tomato sauce is
loaded up with a chemical preservative to give it longer shelf life. The cheese
comes from a cow that had its ass shot full of hormones to promote quicker
growth of the befuddled animal.
The body doesn’t know
what to do with all these chemicals. all this sludge. So the pizza just sits in
the guy’s gut in various stages of putrefaction while the body tries to arrive
at a verdict. When the autopsy was done on John Wayne, they found 36 pounds of
feces. The great defender of law and order and he’s dragging around all this
shit while 50 million people across the Earth scream, “That John Wayne, he’s my
hero, he doesn’t take shit from anybody.” Well, he just happens to take a lot
of shit from the whole food network which is supposed to keep him alive but in
fact is responsible only to a group of shareholders.
The guy who just
gobbled the pizza doesn’t care about all this. The next morning he wakes
feeling pregnant when he liked to feel nice and light. He tries to relieve this
bloatedness by yelling at the wife and kids but they’re bloated too and yell
right back. It’s called The Great American Family. Everybody hoping to make A
Stupendous Crap in the hoity-toity-ha-ha-ka-ka Craperia Room so they can go out
and buy more pizzas. Papa then goes to work–usually in some office building–
where anger is not permitted. At lunch in the company cafeteria, someone blames
all the problems on the Commie government, a second guy says, No, it’s the
Jewish bankers. A third party blames all the problems on the Armenian faggots,
they’re the ones who’ve taken over the schools. The conversation has inflamed
the original pizza guy. It’s tapped his adrenal gland and he rushes off to the
Rest Room where if you were ever caught just resting, security would haul you
off for serious questioning.
A modest bowel
movement and the pizza guy feels a bit lighter. “Maybe it is those Armenian
faggots” he says to the mirror as he washes his hands.
There’s always been
Social Engineering going on. In 1850 Alexander Herzen said about Russia that 52
adults were waiting for the infant to plop out of the womb. If your own life’s
a failure, you can always give advice. But humans prepare for this social
engineering by eating a lot of ballast. That way they’re passive and can be
molded this way or that way. They don’t want freedom which is what the artist
represents; they want to be weighted down… with pizzas, with slogans, any kind
of crap will do. Pursuing freedom takes too much work, too much vigilance.
Better to be half comatose and relaxed–cool it, chill out–than all flighty,
flapping one’s wings toward a distant chimera.
Whether it’s the
social engineering in 1491 from Uncle Ephraim or the technological variety now,
there’s always a constant. There’s something that’s inherent in humans that’s
always looking for a shortcut to happiness. In 1492, Isabella and Ferdinand
were looking for a shortcut to the Spice Islands so they sent explorers west in
wooden ships. No spices but Indians who had lots of gold and silver. In 1849,
More gold at Sutter’s Mill in California and this discovery made half the world
insane at so much riches in one tiny locale. 75 years later it was liquid gold
and people went mad at the thought of a model-A Ford that could power them
right up to heaven. Led Zepplin has a lot to say about this. Now it’s a host of
technological devices that are supposed to make people feel Connected but just
a glance around and you see that people are totally disconnected. They can’t
see and they can’t hear. They just poke and pray and wait for the next pizza.
So I don’t think it’s
a matter of repression. Humans have been gutted by seven centuries of looking
for a shortcut when paradise was often right next to them, within them. Very
few have ever been willing to serve that 10 to 15 years apprenticeship that
would have taught them contentment and often ecstasy. They’d rather buy a pill
by that name.
What is called art or
literature is nothing more than a record of an individual’s participation in
the comedy called life. Language has been so reduced in its resonance that
words are now taken literally. Comedians in the U.S. no longer enter college
campuses because they say students take everything literally. That means desire
is gone. The body has retreated into a shell. Dead at 18, waiting for the
teacher to get them down the road to the next Holiday Inn. The far right or far
left or Christian evangelists are just examples of polemicized mobs who take
everything literally. Who are ready to kill if they don’t get their daily
umbilical transfer of pizza. All the groups, when they see that pizza, smoking
from the oven, scream, “AWESOME!”
The antidote??? Hide.
How would you introduce your work to a new readership?
Well, there’s a direct
tie-in with your previous questions.
Given the quagmire the
Earth is in now and the fact that most countries are police states run by
corporations, if I wanted readers I’d have to find rebels, people fed up. This has
already happened. How did you and I meet? Through Les Edgerton. And who is Les
Edgerton?
Well, he’s more than a
rebel. He’s put his body on the line. He’s done time. He’s worked the streets
which means he knows what it takes to get a job done. And he’s not going to be
fooled by rhetoric–he’s not living out of his head. He’s also done the hard
reading; he can decipher the difference between art and the con job called
Prize Winners. He’s not going to be fooled by the Noir crowd, nor any genre for
that matter.
The funny thing is
that before I met Edgerton I dreamed of meeting Edgerton. I knew I needed
someone like Edgerton, someone who as a child had rooted for the Bad Guys in
movies. I knew 10 years ago I couldn’t get along with straight people.
Straight people don’t
get it. They don’t get anything. They have no idea of Charlie Mingus or Miles
Davis. Their parents’ idea of a good time on Saturday night was to watch
Lawrence Welk on the teevee and they’ve followed suit. Straight people don’t
have that little hitch in their giddyup, that savvy on what it takes to get the
day started. They’re content to poke at some machine.
In the old days, there
were publishers who had this sixth sense of how to get a book rolling. Barney
Rosset of the old Grove Press had it. So did the guy who ran Workman’s Press in
the ’70s. Carl Weissner had it Germany and if it hadn’t been for him, Bukowski
would still be working for the post office, even in his grave.
But publishers like
that no longer exist. That means the writer is going to have to have the street
savvy to do it himself but he’s also going to have to find allies. Find his
Edgertons–hustlers, conmen, out-of-work actors and actresses, people with sense
and taste and a sense of humor.
For example, in 1989,
when my poetry book For Women Who Moan came out, I hired two saucy hookers to
go into a bar at Happy Hour time. Later, I’d walk in smiling.
“You look like you’re
in a good mood,” the bartender would say.
“Yeah, my book just
came out.”
“Oh, what book is
that?”
So I show him the
book.
“How much?”
“No charge. It’s your
tip.”
“Thanks, my
girlfriend’s birthday is coming up. I think she’ll like this.”
“But maybe you could
show your new book to those two ladies at the end of the bar?”
The two ladies thank
him and start to read–out loud, together, just as we rehearsed it. Already a
few guys have meandered in and they hear this strange poem about orgasms just
as their sipping their first beer. They knock down that beer tan rapido and
order another. Now the place is starting to fill up. A loud argument starts up
at the bar. The ladies are debating which of them has the best Moan–just as we
rehearsed it.
Well, even in 1989,
U.S. men had a hard time getting laid. And now, no sooner do they get off work
than they hear two attractive women waxing eloquently on the female orgasm.
Potential buyers are creaming their drawers at the sound of it all. Men are
soon packed three-deep around the women. One, then two whisper in the women’s
ears for their phone number.
“Maybe you could buy
me a copy of this book,” the men are advised.
Of course the guys are
going to buy the ladies a copy of For Women Who Moan. A half hour later a new
crop of suckers stroll into Happy Hour at Childe Harold’s Bar and Restaurant at
Dupont Circle in D.C.
Happy Hour indeed! Me
and the ladies are out of there with ten books sold in an hour and a half. I
leave a ten-dollar tip for the bartender and I meet the ladies down the street
at the corner. I have White Out with me and I spread it through the dedications
and resell the books at the next bar.
Many nights I arrive
home so high I fall asleep in bed with my clothes on. I wake in the morning to
ten and twenty-dollar bills all over the bed. In eight months I make more money
from a poetry book than even Walt Whitman did in his best years. Poet &
Writers, the trade magazine, sends out a reporter. D.C. hookers report that
business has never been better.
But if you’re an
enterprising author working the streets, you’d better be prepared for accidents
and prepared for how to take advantage of them.
Example. One day I’m
in a supermarket at the checkout line and a huge Black man pushes me aside,
yelling, “Make way, make way, I have to cook for the vice president.”
I’m so dumb I’m asking
myself, “Which corporation is he talking about?” Then I remember that I do live
in Washington, D.C.
“Hey!” I yell at the
cook, “You rudely pushed me out of the way. Maybe the Vice President would like
a copy of my latest book?”
He hands me ten
dollars and I inscribe For Women Who Moan to “Dan Quayle who is ready to lead
our noble nation into battle.”
Two weeks later I see
the cook in the same supermarket.
“Hey, what did the VP
think of my poems?”
“He never got them.
Mrs. Quayle got a hold of the book and won’t give it up. When I left she was reading
it to somebody over the phone.”
I could have sold him
another copy but I thought, “The hell with it. Let the VP and his wife fight
over the Moan book.”
A month later there’s
that cook again.
“Hey Cook! Did the VP
ever get my book?”
“Naw, Mrs. Quayle lent
it to the First Lady.”
Immediately I started
having grandiose fantasies. I imagined the President of the United States
plucking For Women Who Moan off the bedside table and wondering, “Have I ever
known a woman who moaned?”
Then I imagined
getting a call from the First Lady and it wasn’t about the quality of my poems.
The Moan poem had started her hormones galloping again. I was filled with
dread. What if she actually did call and I had to perform on the First Lady or
watch my poetry career go down the drain? It was remote. It was absurd. But
stranger things had happened to me. How would my tool, John Henry, react when
he saw all that white pubic hair and heard those Secret Service men pacing
outside the door of the motel room???? And what if she did Moan and the Secret
Service men, thinking she was being strangled, came crashing through the door,
guns blazing?? I laughed it off as silly thought; still, every time the phone
rang, my stomach tightened. Finally, after a week when I didn’t hear from her I
figured I was off the hook. Maybe she got George to quit thinking about bombing
Iraq for an hour and he gave her a tumble. Stranger things had happened.
What I wasn’t prepared
for was a knock at the door a few days later. A little guy in a white shirt and
a necktie said he was from Baker & Taylor and could he talk with me. Baker
& Taylor I knew to be the largest book distributor in the U.S. This rep
said Baker & Taylor had received calls from bookstores requesting the Moan
book and did I have a few hundred copies I could turn over to them. I asked him
if anybody important had called the bookstores. Yes, he said. Who? He said he
couldn’t tell me.
We did some paperwork
then and it revealed I wouldn’t make much. Bookstores would get 40%, B & T
15% which would leave me with one dollar profit on each book. I paid the
publisher $3.50 a book. I told him it was no deal.
In retrospect, I made
a mistake. I would have had nationwide distribution and it wouldn’t have
affected my street sales. My ego was just too inflamed with my independence.
But what stories I got every week. So, as far as readers now, it’s just a
matter of matching the right book to the right locale… and being careful of
elderly ladies who have power.
Thank you William for a great interview.
Links:
Dana Yost’s “Re-blogging:
Give this author your attention”
This entry was posted in Author Interviews - Quick-Fires and tagged Contemporary Literature.
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Thursday, October 13, 2016
WRITER'S RETREAT WORKSHOP 2017
Hi folks,
There are a few spots still left for next year's WRW. We've got some great guests who will be here. Hope to see some of y'all there!
Blue skies,
Les
There are a few spots still left for next year's WRW. We've got some great guests who will be here. Hope to see some of y'all there!
Blue skies,
Les
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Thursday, September 29, 2016
LAST WORD an anthology edited by Liam Sweeny
Hi folks,
Gonna share a couple of stories I had last year in my friend Liam Sweeny's anthology titled LAST WORD. Liam asked for a suggestion of a charitable cause to donate the proceeds to and I recommended Nation Inside (www.nationinside.org) a great organization that unites national efforts to pass prison reform measures. Besides yours truly, there are stories from Jack Getze, Paul D. Brazill, David Jaggers, Steve Weddle, Court Merrigan, Todd Robinson, Angel Luis Colon, Tess Makovesky, Christopher Pimental and Gareth Spark, all fantastic noir and crime writers.
Consider picking up either a paperback or ebook copy and get both a fantastic read and an opportunity to help effect change in our prison systems.
My contribution...
Gonna share a couple of stories I had last year in my friend Liam Sweeny's anthology titled LAST WORD. Liam asked for a suggestion of a charitable cause to donate the proceeds to and I recommended Nation Inside (www.nationinside.org) a great organization that unites national efforts to pass prison reform measures. Besides yours truly, there are stories from Jack Getze, Paul D. Brazill, David Jaggers, Steve Weddle, Court Merrigan, Todd Robinson, Angel Luis Colon, Tess Makovesky, Christopher Pimental and Gareth Spark, all fantastic noir and crime writers.
Consider picking up either a paperback or ebook copy and get both a fantastic read and an opportunity to help effect change in our prison systems.
My contribution...
Well, here it is—my
annual Mother’s Day post. In reality, this won’t be an “annual” post unless I
do one next year since this is the very first one. I plan to do one next year,
though. If I remember...
And… I’m aware that it’s
late, but I thought that appropriate, since I always forget it until about a
week later, despite a loving wife (Mary) who considers it her mission in life
to let me know about things like this. The only problem is, she always lets me
know the day before. Like I’m expected to remember it that long!
To make up for not
sending a card on time, I decided to send Mom more than just one of those
syrupy Hallmark cards. This year, I sent her a cassette tape of the movie,
“It’s a Wonderful Life” starring that irrepressible boyish Jimmy Stewart from
my private collection. (This is the movie where he isn’t dressed up like a
giant rabbit, in which he’s also irrepressible and boyish.)
Then, the second I got
home from mailing it to her, I realized I’d made a grievous mistake. I hadn’t
sent her the movie I thought I had. It dawned on me that I’d sent her an
entirely different movie. To be exact, my copy of the classic film noir, College
Girls Having Monkey Sex, Part XIV. If you haven’t seen it, it’s the one
where the coed from Vassar has her boobs pointed in opposite directions and her
co-star ends up with whiplash trying to treat them equally and stay on his
mark. (“Mark” for you non-theater majors is the piece of tape the director
places on the floor to show the actor where to stand.)
Oops.
The reason I realized my
faux pas, was that when I got home I thought I might want to watch a few
minutes of it and couldn’t locate it and then remembered I’d labeled it… you
guessed it… It’s a Wonderful Life… in the unlikely event Mary went
through my collection looking for a something to watch.
I ran all the way back to
the post office in hopes I could talk the mail guy into letting me have my
package back, but it seems they have rules against that kind of thing. You can
guess how that turned out, if you’ve ever had to deal with the United Nazi
States of Mail Carriers. Guy treated me like I was the Unibomber. I called him
“Cliff” and “Newman” but he didn’t get it.
I was in a sweat when I
found it had already been shipped, but then I remembered Mom didn’t have a
cassette player. Or a VCR. Or, even a TV. She’d sold her TV when The Ed
Sullivan Show went off the air a few years ago.
The luck of the Irish!
Realizing I better do
something more than send her a tape she couldn’t watch, I asked Mary if we could
take her out to dinner.
“When?” she said. “On
Father’s Day? That’s the next holiday.”
I laughed. (That’s it. I
just laughed) Then, I said, “Of course not, silly. This weekend.”
“Only if you don’t use
that name in the restaurant that you always do,” she said.
I agreed and called Mom
to give her the good news. “We’d like to take you out to dinner for your big
day,” I said. “Where would you like to go?”
“Would this be an early Mother’s Day for 2011
or the late one for 2010?”
I laughed. (That’s it. I
just laughed. I’ve been trained by Mary.) Then I said, “Of course not, silly.
The second one. 2010. The battery in my calendar died.”
Golden Corral was her
first choice, but I talked her out of that. “They’re closed,” I lied. “There
was a big pileup of people on walkers and the health department closed them
until they widen the ramp. Thirty-six people suffered aluminum whiplash. There
are herds of lawyers everywhere and you couldn't get in even if it was open.”
She sounded skeptical,
but then said her second choice was Red Lobster. This, to a guy who’s lived in
New Orleans half his life and has actually eaten real seafood was like the chef
at Ruth’s Chris Steak House grabbing a square hamburger down at Wendy’s on his
day off, but hey, it was my mom and it was her day. I looked forward to gazing
at their menu with pictures of the nine-pound lobsters on the menu and them
seeing the actual three-ounce one they served. To be fair, the actual meal is
the same size as the picture when you put them up next to each other.
She decided to drive down
from where she lived in South Bend to our home in Ft. Wayne, a true adventure
for the other drivers on the highway since she’s 88 and drives older than her
actual age. You’ve heard that saying? “(Blank) drives like old people fuck?
Slow and jerky.” That’s Mom. If you ever see those long lines on winding
country roads where there are 117 cars trailing behind the John Deere tractor,
it was Mom who taught that tractor driver how to navigate our rural byways. I
suggested she might want to start out the night before to get to our place on
time, but she didn’t think that was all that funny.
“You’re not too old to
get a spanking, Mr. Smartmouth,” she said. Well, yes, I am, Mom. I have gray
hair and arthritis and can remember when phones had dials. Besides, how are you
going to catch me? I can crawl faster than you can walk. I didn’t say anything
like that to her, of course. After all, she’s my mom and deserves respect.
Besides, as long as I knew I could outrun her that was enough. I didn’t have to
rub it in.
Before she hung up, she
said, “You’re not going to use that name you always do in restaurants, are you?
Because if you do, I’m not coming.”
“No, Mom, I’m not. I’m
grown up, now.” Jesus! What do she and Mary do? Get together and compare notes?
She gets here, only two
and a half hours past her ETA, and we all climb in the car and head for the
gastronomical delights only available at national chains.
We get to the Red Lobster
and I’m anticipating something on my plate that looks like a medium jumbo
shrimp that they’re going to try to pawn off as a Maine lobster and we all go
in. This takes awhile as we’re proceeding at Mom’s pace which is about as fast
as the last day of school.
“We should hurry, Mom,” I
said. “They close in only six hours.”
Mary gives me a dirty
look. So does Mom, who says, “You’re not too big to get a spanking.” I consider
showing her my driver’s license to show her my age as she’s obviously
forgotten, but I don’t. It’s Mother’s Day. Well, not really—that was last week,
but we’re operating on the theme of Mother’s Day and I want to remain true to
the spirit.
I hustle ahead of them
and give our name to the hostess.
When I come back, Mom
says, “How long?” and Mary says, “You didn’t give them that name, did you?”
“Twenty minutes,” I say
to Mom, and to Mary I just give a pained look, as if to say, “How could you
even think I’d do that?”
We pass the time
listening to Mom complain about the present government and ask to see a menu so
she can make her choice, which is always the same. The lobster/shrimp combo. I
think she just wants to check to make sure they haven’t taken either off the
menu. Although, if they ran out of one, they could just serve the one that was
left and tell the diner it was the missing one. Who would know?
Then, she lays a bomb on
me. “I love that movie, you sent me,” she said. “I’m going over to your sister
Ann’s house to watch it when I get back home.”
And then, our table is
announced over the loudspeaker.
“Donner, party of three.”
I get two dirty looks from
the women I’m with.
“That’s us,” I say.
I love Mother’s Day!
***
BAD NEWS
I’m afraid I have some bad news. Let me take that back. I
have some terrible news. Bad news is when your wife says she’s
leaving you for the water softener man. This is far worse than that. This is on
the level of news that she’s leaving you for the guy who lives down by the river
in his refrigerator carton… and not taking
the kids with her…
Okay. Ready? Sitting down? Here goes…
It’s official. Once again, I didn’t win the Pulitzer Prize
for Literature. How many times must I taste the bitter truth that time is
running out? Once a year, I guess, until I
run out…
And, what beat me out this year? The Orphan Master's Son by Adam Johnson. You’re kidding, right?
Here’s the description:
An exquisitely crafted novel that carries the reader on an
adventuresome journey into the depths of totalitarian North Korea and into the
most intimate spaces of the human heart.
It’s a book set in North
Korea? Who the hell nominated this? Dennis Rodman? Who even reads books set
in North Korea? Even North Koreans don’t read books set in North Korea. Well,
that’s not exactly their fault—they aren’t allowed to by that sweet little
cherub, Dear Leader. Speaking of cherubs, I woke up this morning with a sweet
little cherub in my skivvies… Or was that a chub?
Whatever. They both look the
same.
I suspect it won because of the author’s name. He’s named
after two American presidents. Jingoism at its worst.
I should have known I wouldn’t win once again after last
year when they couldn’t find a single book to give the award to. There were
only five million books published last year (even taking out the four million
self-published autobiographies that really suck swamp water, that still leaves
a million books, give or take a few hundred thousand.).
How can you not give one single book the award? Even the
year the Miss America contestants were all dogs, they still gave the award to
someone. Bert Parks took it himself one year. That was the year there weren’t
any brunettes from Mississippi and Georgia. But, hey—they still awarded it to
somebody.
I’ve had it. I’m taking serious action. I’ve just composed a
strongly-worded letter to all the judges of next year’s Pulitzer committee,
notifying them that I’m officially withdrawing any and all of my books from
consideration. I’m sending it via Overnight Delivery, Certified Mail. That
means it won’t arrive in their mail boxes until August, 2015 but I have no
control over that. They’ll at least be aware of my sentiments.
And, as it happens, I’m outlining a new novel that fits all
of their crappy requirements. It’s set in (some obscure country which I haven’t
decided yet, but one with lots of consonants and only one vowel) and it’s about
the Mayor of Cracktown. It’s about this guy who lives in a village with the
Entering and Leaving signs on the same pole, and in this little shack with a
bunch of farm animals of various religious persuasions living inside with him. He
has no money (always a requirement of these kinds of books and which
immediately makes him a genius). He has a major fight with the garda who have discovered he’s far
exceeded the legal quota of farm animals allowed in a domicile, one of which he
claims shouldn’t count as it’s a very pretty Merino ewe to whom he’s pledged
his troth. He’s not sure what a “troth” is but it’s in a lot of Dickens’ books
he read as a kid so he knows it’s important to pledge his.
In this book, I devote a lot of pages to his internalizing,
which seems to be high on the list of stuff these Pulitzer folks look for.
There’s one really dazzling scene where he ponders how clichés came about and
fantasizes about their origins. Like that delightful phrase “blind alley”
(which, I, for one can never hear too many times.). He ruminates and ponders and
rumes some more and comes to the conclusion that it originally denoted a place
where German shepherds congregated en masse, waiting to be hired by the
seeing-challenged (PC term for blind people) and veterans with PTSD. This
riveting scene takes up 26 pages, which is guaranteed to manipulate them even
more than a teenaged boy’s chub during bathroom time. And, in much the same
way.
One of the indoor farm animals will be a dog. His only
function is to be in the book so I can use his picture on the cover and on the
Intergnat. You and I know it’s just a frickin’ mutt, but people on the
Intergnat have assigned a mystical aura to dogs and cats. You know, those
critters that eat their own poop, cough up furballs and lick themselves all day
long. We know that mostly they’re glorified door mats, but people get all weepy
about them and giggly and attribute them with the same wisdom they do old
Indian guys crying over some trash on Highway 10. THEY SELL BOOKS. And influence
Pulitzer judges…
The protagonist will be a creepy loner who, in real life,
people would take a wide berth around when they see him with his sign begging
for work outside Target, but instantly make into a wise man simply because
there’s a whole book centered around him and we see he thinks about pithy stuff
like blind alleys. If he was so
frickin’ wise why ain’t he a plumber’s assistant or a governor or something?
My protagonist is also an orphan. And a master. And the son
of a dog. This makes it a sure winner.
Yes, I could easily win next year, which makes my protest
even more meaningful. I know what it takes after studying these things for hours
days weeks. It’s important to know who’s handing out the hardware. The
judges are elderly folks who braid the hair in their noses (the women) and meet
at Golden Corral to discuss the nominated books. The men on the committee treat
the books nominated the same way they do the fine wines they own. They don’t
open them. That would destroy their value and besides, who has to actually read
the nominated book? They can learn all they want to from the glorious
Intergnat. The men also have lush bushes in their noses, but they use them
differently than the women (most of the women…). They weave them cleverly
around their noggins kind of like the comb-overs aging sportscasters do. Along
with a few well-placed strands from the ear hairs.
This is the real secret as to why my book never gets
nominated. I labored for years thinking they actually read the books. Don’t
laugh—I bet you know at least one person in your own circle who thought the
same thing. So maybe you knew, but
are you willing to say that all of your friends wear those helmets and rode the
short bus to h.s. and took all A.P. classes? So—cut me a break here.
The trick to getting on these judges’ radar is to
effectively utilize the Intergnat. Most of us writers have been sold a bill of
goods about what the ‘Gnat does. Social media doesn’t sell books. It doesn’t
sell squat. It doesn’t sell books—it sells social media. No one cares about
your stupid book on social media. They pretend to… so you’ll buy their stupid
book. Writers who can’t sell books have one problem—they write crappy books.
Yakking about them all day long on social media sells three books total. That’s
it. And that’s to trolls who are burning to write one-star reviews on it. When
social media sells books, let me know. Otherwise, lay down by your dish with
your butt-licking dog.
But, Pulitzer Prize judges do look at the Intergnat. All day
long. It’s why they don’t have time to actually read the books themselves. Too
busy Facebooking each other or Twittering about “that wonderful book about
North Korea Dennis Rodman likes so well.” Think about this. 1. Dennis Rodman
picture with Dear Leader was on the “Gnat” one million, three hundred thousand
and sixty-nine times last year. 2. A book set in North Korea won the Pulitzer.
Make the connection, dummy! This ain’t nuclear physics!
So, if I weren’t about to withdraw from consideration,
here’s what I’d do. Get me a babe to do my networking for me. As my pretend
girlfriend, Lo Hai Qu so eloquently pointed out—“Blogbitches rule, blogdicks
drool.” Okay. I accept that. If I was going to remain involved in the
competition, I’d be on my knees beseeching my pal, Anonymous 9 (Blogbitch
Supreme) if she’d please help this lowly Blogdick (me) out.
But I won’t. You can relax, 9. I’m out of all this. I just
hope you nice folks “twit” and “face” my new book all over the Intergnat. I
have but one goal for next year. That all the UPS drivers who deliver my books
are forced to buy trusses.
(I hope you know this was all in fun, folks. Although, if I
have to say this, it takes all the force away…) I do love the Intergnat and I
truly do love the folks on here. True that. And they do sell books. Books on
how to use the Intergnat to sell books…)
As John Goodman once said, “See ya in the funny papers.”
Blue skies,
Les
Thursday, September 22, 2016
Book Signing
Hi folks,
If you're in or around Ft. Wayne, IN on Saturday, November 12, please stop in and say hi. I'll be signing and selling copies of several of my books at the Allen County Public Library. I'd love to see you there!
If you're in or around Ft. Wayne, IN on Saturday, November 12, please stop in and say hi. I'll be signing and selling copies of several of my books at the Allen County Public Library. I'd love to see you there!
Blue skies,
Les
Thursday, September 15, 2016
BigAl's Books and Pals: Reprise Review: The Rapist by Les Edgerton @Hooked...
BigAl's Books and Pals: Reprise Review: The Rapist by Les Edgerton @Hooked...: Genre: Crime/Thriller Description: Meet Truman Ferris Pinter, a self-confessed rapist and murderer, currently residing on death...
Monday, September 12, 2016
KIDS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS...
Hi folks,
Here's a post I ran a long time ago and I thought I'd dust it off and run it again. Hope you enjoy it!
Here's a post I ran a long time ago and I thought I'd dust it off and run it again. Hope you enjoy it!
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Wednesday, September 7, 2016
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