Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Add lawyers to the conversation about dumb movies and TV personalities...

Hi folks,
My friend Kenn Ashcraft just sent me the following, proving that attorneys qualify to be added to the conversation about dumb movies and TV personalities. Thanks, Kenn!

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER 
 These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

 ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
 WITNESS:     He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
 ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
 WITNESS:     My name is Susan!
 ____________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
 WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
 ____________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
 WITNESS:     No , I just lie there.
 ____________________________________________
  
 ATTORNEY:  Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
 WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
 ____________________________________

 ATTORNEY:  The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
 WITNESS:      He's 20 , much like your IQ.
 ___________________________________________
 
 ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
 WITNESS:     Are you shitting me?
 _________________________________________
  (My Favorite)
 ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
 WITNESS:     Yes.
 ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
 WITNESS:     Getting laid
 ____________________________________________
  (Another favorite)
 ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?
 WITNESS:     Yes.
 ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
 WITNESS:
   None.
 ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
 WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
 ____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
 WITNESS:     By death..
 ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
 WITNESS:     Take a guess.
 ____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
 WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard
 ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
 WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
 _____________________________________

 ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
 WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
 ______________________________________

 ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
 WITNESS:     All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
 _________________________________________

 ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
 WITNESS:     Oral..
 _________________________________________

 ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
 ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
 WITNESS:     If not , he was by the time I finished.
 ____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 WITNESS:     Are you qualified to ask that question?
 ______________________________________

 And last:

 ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
 WITNESS:     No.
 ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
 WITNESS:     No.
 ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
 WITNESS:     No..
 ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
 WITNESS:     No.
 ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
 ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
 WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.



Kenn, this is one of the funniest things I've seen in a long, long time!

10 comments:

Shannon O'Donnell said...

OMG! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! When I stop laughing I may have an actual comment. :-)

Les Edgerton said...

That was my reaction exactly, Shannon. I was wiping tears away as I read it. I'm going to buy the book now.

Alice said...

I laughed out loud and had to wipe tears from my eyes to get through the second half of them. Thanks so much for a great laugh!

Les Edgerton said...

Thanks, Alice. I'm still laughing over the question, "Are you sexually active?"

Been there, done that...

Charmaine Clancy said...

So funny - thanks Les, your posts are always gems!

Rogue Hunter said...

I am totally buying that book.

Slamdunk said...

Funny stuff. Thanks for sharing.

Christine Danek said...

Thank you for sharing. This is hilarious. I'm still laughing.

Lynne Kelly Hoenig said...

Holy cow, those are hilarious. I may have to get that book too; I could read those all day.

I remember a few like that my mom brought home when she was working for attorneys. My favorite was:

Attorney: And you were shot in the fracas, correct?

Witness: No, I was shot in the navel, above the fracas.

Les Edgerton said...

Thanks, folks. I'm still laughing. Lynn, that was priceless! I bet your mom has a million of those, doesn't she!

I've been kicked in my fracas and that's no fun...