Thought it was time for some lighter stuff. Wish I knew who came up with these so I could give them credit, but have no idea. Anyway… enjoy!
New Rules of Life
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason I don't talk to people for 25 years. Because I don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn and applying fertilizer.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky son of a guns.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this shit at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his butt will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the idiot. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge idiot.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too fricking exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh, wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember that the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift-giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just made it with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky son of a guns.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this shit at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his butt will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the idiot. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge idiot.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too fricking exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh, wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember that the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift-giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just made it with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.
*
25 ways to tell if you're a Redneck
1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."
8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
21. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
22. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
23. Your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working T.V.
24. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
25. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."
8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
21. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
22. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
23. Your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working T.V.
24. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
25. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
*
As you can plainly see, my wife Mary is rolling in laughter at my jokes and in tears at the hilarity. (I took this photo right after the lesson down at the community center on "framing your shot."
For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
1.) Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2.) A day without sunshine is like, night.
3.) On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4.) I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5.) 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6.) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7.) I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8.) You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9.) I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10.) Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11.) Remember half the people you know are below average.
12.) Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13.) Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
14.) Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15.) He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16.) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17.) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18.) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19.) I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20.) I intend to live forever - so far so good.
21.) Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
22.) If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23.) My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24.) Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25.) The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26.) Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
27.) When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
28.) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
29.) A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30.) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
31.) For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
32.) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
33.) Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
34.) No one is listening until you make a mistake.
35.) Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
36.) The colder the x-ray tables the more of your body is required on it.
37.) The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
38.) The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
39.) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
40.) To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
41.) How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
42.) You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
43.) Two wrongs are only the beginning.
44.) The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
45.) The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
46.) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
47.) Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
48.) If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
49.) Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
50.) Get a new car for your wife... It'll be a great trade!
1.) Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2.) A day without sunshine is like, night.
3.) On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4.) I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5.) 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6.) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7.) I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8.) You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9.) I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10.) Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11.) Remember half the people you know are below average.
12.) Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13.) Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
14.) Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15.) He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16.) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17.) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18.) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19.) I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20.) I intend to live forever - so far so good.
21.) Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
22.) If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23.) My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24.) Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25.) The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26.) Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
27.) When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
28.) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
29.) A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30.) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
31.) For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
32.) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
33.) Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
34.) No one is listening until you make a mistake.
35.) Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
36.) The colder the x-ray tables the more of your body is required on it.
37.) The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
38.) The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
39.) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
40.) To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
41.) How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
42.) You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
43.) Two wrongs are only the beginning.
44.) The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
45.) The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
46.) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
47.) Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
48.) If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
49.) Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
50.) Get a new car for your wife... It'll be a great trade!
*
True story…
Yesterday afternoon, my wife and I watched our neighbor walking her Great Dane and she took the dog into our front yard to take a dump. We both rushed out to confront her, but she had already disappeared. There, right in the middle of our immaculate, manicured lawn was a huge, steaming pile of dog poop. My wife leaned over and exclaimed, “There’s writing on this!”
I had to rush back inside to get my glasses. Why? Well, I can’t read shit without them…
Semi-true story… (If you laugh at this you’re just proven you’re a truly sick individual…)
A friend of ours recently had a stroke. After an hour in the ER, the doc came out to talk to his wife, Brenda.
“I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” he said. “Which would you like first?”
“Uh… the bad news?” she stammered, unsure.
“Okay,” the doc said. “The bad news is that your husband has suffered a massive stroke. That means that for the next thirty years, you’re going to have to handfeed him baby food for every meal.
“That means that for the next thirty years, you’re going to have to wipe his butt.
“That means that for the next thirty years, you’re not going to be able to take a single day off. You’re going to have to be there for every minute of every day and every night in case he has a relapse.”
Brenda sat down heavily in one of those uncomfortable chairs they furnish waiting rooms with.
“Oh, my,” she said. “Well… what’s the good news?”
The doc smiled. “The good news is that your husband’s had a massive stroke, but I lied. He died.”
(If you smiled at this, you've just crossed over and no legitimate rehab in the world will take you in...)
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