Review of ALL THE YOUNG WARRIORS by Anthony Neil Smith

Hi folks,


Here's a review I just completed on Anthony Neil Smith's newest novel, ALL THE YOUNG WARRIORS.


http://www.amazon.com/All-The-Young-Warriors-ebook/dp/B005ZMHX2G/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1320948332&sr=1-1

What a brilliant novel! Alternating between the harsh landscapes of two cultures—frigid Minnesota and the searing heat of Somalia—this novel reports on both worlds without politicizing and without moralizing, allowing the reader to arrive at their own conclusions.

What was fascinating for me was that it read as an intense psychological study of very disparate personalities that, at the end, created an understanding and empathy for every single character. With what is really an economy of words, Smith shows a true complexity for each character’s actions. This is a doctoral thesis in understanding how motivations drive people. What’s even more remarkable is that we see four very different people with four entirely different goals and each one is carefully and expertly drawn. There are no “good” guys nor any “bad” guys per se. There are just people who do good things and people who do bad things, with each of the four performing both kinds of actions, but each, no matter what they may do is clearly drawn with not only a deftness rarely seen in but the best of fiction, but each a person driven by forces completely understandable.

Very good literature allows us to see into the hidden soul of one character. Literature that deserves the epithet of being great, allows us to see into the deepest recesses of more than one. All the Young Warriors gives us an unprecedented view of all four of the major characters. I’m sure there have been novels which have done this before, but I confess I can’t recall which ones those were, and that tells me perhaps that I haven’t yet read them. Perhaps I just imagine they’re out there…

But, I’m not imagining this one.

As a writer, I open books for two reasons. One, to be entertained and secondly—which is at least equal in importance to me—to learn how to be a better writer by what and how the author has crafted the work. This novel succeeded on both levels.

I simply cannot get over the characters Smith has created. What’s revealing about his craft is how he delivers each character—not through introspection or peeking into their minds, but mostly by their actions. That’s hard to do!

First, you have what at first glance appears to be the standard issue cop/detective in thrillers, Ray Bleeker. Quickly, however, he becomes much more than a version of the stereotypical veteran cop solving a crime or mystery. His motivation is powerful. He does what he feels he has to do because of the love of a woman and a sense of honor he feels due her memory. He knowingly sacrifices his future and his life for what he holds to be a just cause. His quest becomes noble and this alone transforms him and makes him different than many similar fictional characters. This is no “Jack Reacher” embued with a superman physique and supernatural physical skills, kicking ass ala a cartoon superhero. This is no “Sherlock Holmes” with a superior intellect. No “Virgil Flowers” with an entire and impressive state crime-fighting bureaucracy behind him. This is a solid detective who can handle himself physically but isn’t a superhero, able to vanquish a dozen ninja warriors, but just a better-than-average fighter who’s getting a bit long in the tooth. His detecting skills are not inborn in him by virtue of some detective “gene,” but have been acquired by years on the job and from intelligent observation gleaned from many cases. He’s kind of an Everyman and what distinguishes him is the level of love he holds for a woman and his child. He embodies what used to be known as “Yankee ingenuity.” He doesn’t own a bunch of power tools; he owns an inventive, practical mind. What distinguishes him from other popular detectives in fiction is that he has a character arc. He is a man who will be an entirely different person at the end of the story, unlike most series characters who remain largely unchanged by the struggle they go through.

The second major character, Mustafa Abdi Bahdoon, was utterly fascinating. Easily the most complex character in the cast. At one time a powerful gang leader, feared by friend and foe alike, he has long since walked away from his past and is living the “straight” life, working at a Target store. This, despite the knowledge that he might be murdered at any time by his former gang members. He’s of Somalia extract, but all he wants to do is be American, despite his violent background. He also is driven by love. The love of his son.

His son, Adem, is as complex as the others, and shows perhaps the biggest character arc of all. He begins as a college student who is somewhat popular, but possessed of a follower’s personality. He’s the dutiful child, who gets swept up unexpectedly in politics and a murder and ends up in Somalia as he flees a murder charge and prison time, and at first is idealistic about the cause he has joined, but soon discovers he has neither the firmness of belief in that cause that is necessary but that he’s pretty much a coward. He mostly remains a coward until near the end and through a series of events, he becomes a sort of Goebbels. Why Goebbels, you ask? Well, because that’s kind of what I was reminded of in this story—it could have been structured from a study in how two powerful Nazis became who they were. Adem is Goebbels and the last character…

Jibriil… is the “Hitler” character. Indeed, I kept thinking of Hitler as Jibriil moved through the pages. Not the finished-product-Hitler, whom most see in their minds’ eye, ruling over the Third Reich as the hob-booted despot he became, but the Hitler who was a failure as a painter and mostly a nobody until he found himself in the right place at the right time and took advantage of the situation. Jibriil is the young Hitler, at his late childhood and early rise to power. What is fascinating is that through Smith’s depiction of his character, it becomes clear how an insignificant nobody can emerge as a cruel tyrant like Mein Fuhrer when the planets align and the circumstances allow.

I may be the only one who looks at this novel this way, but I can’t help seeing these kinds of parallels. Whether Smith intended it or not, he’s created a case study in how otherwise ordinary folks, under the right circumstances, can become the Hitlers of the world and how the same thing can happen today. And perhaps is.

What is one of the most amazing things about this book is that every single one of the major characters undergoes a significant character arc. How in the hell does Smith do that?! That’s remarkable. In practical terms, that means this novel is perfect to be made into a movie. You’ve got not one, but four characters A-list actors would kill to play.

This is a brilliant book, possibly the best novel of the year. It's for sure in the top three or four. I've read more great books this year than I ever have--great time for top novels!

Blue skies,

Les

HOOKED... for free?!

Hi folks,

Well, I woke up today thinking it would just be another ho-hum day in Mudville... when I clicked on an email from an editor I really respect and discovered that Writer's Digest was offering my book HOOKED for free! (It wasn't a WD editor who notified me.)

Now, I know how Anthony Neil Smith (Doc Noir) felt in his blogpost: http://anthonyneilsmith.typepad.com/hermansgreasyspoon/2011/11/theyre-giving-away-my-book-for-free-the-bastards.html

My sentiments, exactly... Although, I have a sneaking suspicion Mr. Smith's publisher let him know what they were going to do before they did it. And, they only did it for a day... And, I'll bet he gave his okay.

What bothered me is that WD didn't see fit to let me know that they were doing this. Did I say "bothered me?" I guess that's the most accurate terminology to describe my initial reaction where I kicked my cat, threw a book through the window, cursed at the top of my lungs, and some other similar actions...

The thing is, I don't believe in ever giving away my work for free. Perhaps WD knows that and is why they didn't inform me.

I know there are writers out there who profess their desire is only to "get people to read them." Well, that ain't my desire at all, unless they pay for the hours and days and weeks and months and years it took to get that book written. I rarely see plumbers giving away free work to "get people to notice them." Figure my work is just as valuable...

I understand the impetus behind this "freebie" thing. That it create a fan base who will then buy other work. I guess. I'm just not a believer in this strategy.

Maybe it will turn out just fine. Just went to the Amazon site and saw Hooked's rank:

• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #8 Free in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Free in Kindle Store)
  • #1 in Kindle Store > Kindle eBooks > Nonfiction > Reference > Writing > Fiction
  •  
  • Now, I'm not as mad as I was... I don't know what to think. Maybe they know what they're doing. The other thing that bothered me was that it was done as a promo for NaNoWrit or whatever they call it. That's an event I'm solidly... against. In fact, I tell my students I recommend they avoid participating, as in my opinion it only leads to bad writing habits. But, that's me. I do have many friends who participate in it and if they enjoy the experience, I'm glad for them. I just think it doesn't lead to many positive things for a serious writer. And, since I think it's more of a negative thing for a writer who wants to create good writing habits, I kind of resent my book is being given away free to promote it.
    I realize my thoughts here may alienate some folks. That's okay. If a writer doesn't have an opinion and is unwilling to express it, what kind of writer is that? One who would do well working for Pravda, I guess... Not this boy-o.
    
    
    I have nothing whatsoever against anyone who takes advantage of Writer's Digest largess... I'd do the same thing. In fact, I emailed some friends to alert them that they could get it for free and even Twittered about it. If you can't fight 'em, join 'em... At least if folks can get a free copy, I'd rather it be people I know and like.
    
    
    I think what bothered me the most was that WD couldn't even be bothered to let me know what they were going to do. The author isn't important in these things, I guess. It occurs to me that this may be one of the contributing factors to the demise of print publishers... how they view their authors and how they value their input and opinion, especially of their own work.
    
    
    Now, I'm going to lie down and try to practice my own philosophy of "not letting others rent space in my head."
    
    
    I just wish I had the power to give away all of Writer's Digest books for the next year... And not let them know until it was a done deal... Tell 'em if they didn't like it, too bad--it's in the contract...
    
    
    Sign me:
    One-pissed-off-writer
    Les 
     
    P.S. What gripes me is that Hooked was still on a number of Amazon's best-selling lists, mostly in the UK and other European lists...

REVIEW OF ED LYNSKEY'S NOVEL LAKE CHARLES: A MYSTERY NOVEL

Hi folks,

When I first picked up Ed Lynskey’s novel, Lake Charles, I was excited to read a book set in a place I used to live and had fond memories of—Lake Charles, Louisiana. As I began reading, I got a bit confused as the setting didn’t sound anything like the place I’d lived in.

Turns out, it wasn’t. The Lake Charles of Lynskey’s novel was another lake entirely, a man-made body of water created by the TVA in Tennessee.

Also turns out, it didn’t matter. This was as dark and as Gothic as anything else Southern, and it could have worked just as well if it had been set in the Louisiana town of the same name.

And, it is dark and very Gothic! Atmosphere up the yazoo. Or… kudzu… Precisely my cup of tea. An absolutely amazing novel.

Rather than go into the plot points, which others, better qualified for that kind of stuff do a better job than I ever could, I just want to talk about my visceral reactions. First, I never consciously seek out symbolism in novels. Symbols mostly just get in the way of enjoying the story. But, there are some in here that were so well-done and so organic to the tale that not only did they not interfere with the reading pleasure, but caused it to transcend what will be termed “genre” literature by some into something I feel would more accurately be looked at as simply literature. Good and even great literature.

The lake itself is the most pervading character in the novel. Its water is slimy, odoriferous, and malignant. I’m assuming Lynskey intended it to stand for things manmade, things our modern civilization have wrought to what used to be a wondrous example of nature with a capital N. It reminded me of what uber-agent Donald Maass once related to me as being one of the elements that all great books contained—a magical place. A physical place in the best novels where seminal events took place. We were talking about that at a workshop we were both appearing at a couple of years ago, and it dawned on me that he was exactly right. “Like the street in Dennis Lehane’s Mystic River,” I exclaimed. “The story begins there with the boy’s kidnapping and it comes up at crucial times and ends there—in the movie with the Sean Penn character, where he slumps to the curb when he realizes the monstrosity of his murder of that same boy now grown, years later.”

“Exactly,” Don said, and we were off to a discussion of similar mystical/mythical places in literature.

Well, add Lake Charles to that list. Like Dennis Lehane with his Boston Southy street, like Raymond Chandler with L.A., like Ellen Gilchrist with New Orleans, like Russell Banks with various locales—Lynskey has made a setting a living, breathing character.

A dark,foreboding, malignant, malevolent character. Since reading this book, I’ve seen the lake in my nightmares at night and I always awake drenched with sweat. Only the best of books have that power and this one qualifies. It’s a story of loyalties—both familial and friendship, a tale of the evilness of drugs and what they’ve done to society, and, in the end, and for me, most of all it’s a look back at the days of my youth growing up in East Texas where people took care of their problems themselves and if it took violence to enact justice, well, violence is what took place. We didn’t look for the police or the courts or lawyers to solve our problems, but acted as men and took care of them ourselves with whatever it took. In these days of “social consciousness” or whatever they call it, taking matters into one’s own hands is frowned on and will likely get you called out on talk shows, but… man-oh-man! I long for those days!

This is a vigilante novel and an example of how vigilantes aren’t always the bad and nasty thing they’re often made out to be. It seems to me that this and novels and movies of this sort are hugely popular simply because there are a lot of us who long for those “good old days” when people took care of their own problems and didn’t depend on others. Brendan Fishback, the protagonist, hooks up with his best friend’s father, Mr. Kuzawa, as they team up to avenge the murder of Kuzawa’s son and Brendan’s best friend, Cobb, and to find the kidnappers of Brendan’s twin sister Edna by the same folks, and the result is Southern justice of the sort that makes you jump up and cry: “Yeah!” when they triumph over evil.

This is just one of the best novels I’ve read this year, simply put.

Blue skies,

Les

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_12?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=lake+charles+by+ed+lynskey&sprefix=lake+charles 

THE SATURDAY BOY: HAPPY BLASTED HEATH DAY!

THE SATURDAY BOY: HAPPY BLASTED HEATH DAY!: And here it is, Merry Blasted Tuesday, folks! Now you can officially purchase any number of the fine novels those dastardly f**ks have...

I'm reading both of their first novels now and they're fantastic! This is an absolutely terrific deal for books from a couple of the best writers working today--Anthony Neil Smith and Ray Banks. I highly recommend both.

Also, check out Doc Noir's blogpost at http://anthonyneilsmith.typepad.com/hermansgreasyspoon/2011/11/a-one-time-blasted-off-super-deal-today-only.html

Blue skies,
Les

MAGNA CUM MURDER is the place to be in October!

Hi folks,

I returned late last night from attending and participating in the Magna Cum Murder festival in Muncie, Indiana at Ball State University, and had an absolutely lovely time!

While there were a lot of authors there who I’ve seen at events such as Bouchercon, there was a decidedly different atmosphere. Less frenetic and a bit quieter, but very satisfying. While Bouchercon is made up more of thriller writers such as Lee Childs, Joe Finder, Anthony Neil Smith, Joe R. Lansdale and the like, Magna is home to a bigger contingent of mystery and suspense writers, although there were several thriller writers in attendance as well. Although, it turns out that many of those I’ve just named have been at this festival in the past. I think perhaps the reason it’s a bit less frenetic is that there aren’t any agents (or any that I was aware of, anyway), and most of the folks in attendance were there mostly as fans of mysteries and suspense, including the writers themselves. A place to enjoy the genres without business being conducted. And these folks were the best-informed audience I've ever seen.

My main initial motivation for attending was to meet author John Gilstrap in person. I’ve been an admirer of his thrillers for a long time and we even connected on the phone awhile back when we were introduced to each other by blog radio hostess Jennifer Wilkov after we’d both appeared on her Women’s Radio Show. One of the organizers of the MCM festival, Austin Lugar, graciously put me on a panel with John and we had a great time!

While meeting John was a decided highlight, I met and became friends with a number of other fantastic writers. Folks like Con Lehane (my new best friend…), Ruth Dudley Edwards, Jim Doherty, Mike Lawson (my smoking friend…), Deni Dietz (my other smoking friend), W.S. (Wendy) Gager, David Walker, T. Lee Harris, Marian Allen, Gwen Mayo, Maris Soule, and Cathy (Cat) Akers-Jordan (not a writer, but a teacher and knowledgeable fan, with whom I had a great conversation with her and her mom, Ginger Jordan. Got to meet Parnell Hall, an amazing writer who has had enough experiences to fill at least six memoirs.

I was on two panels. On the first, I was totally out of my element! It was a game-show panel where we debated along with the audience to figure out who the world’s best detective was. The only problem I had was I was only familiar with one of the names—Harry Bosch. I’d read novels featuring the others, but far, far back in the mists of time and didn’t recall enough about them to be able to argue their merits. In spite of that, it was fun, mostly because this is a nonjudgmental audience and nobody called me out on my ignorance. In a series of emails back and forth before the conference, between us participants and the moderator, Austin Lugar, in trying to determine the detectives we’d be debating over, I was thoroughly intimidated by one of the panelists, Ruth Dudley Edwards, and in fact, emailed Austin, telling him I was scared to death of her and asking that he sit me away from her—she terrified me! Well, as it turned out, he seated her next to me… and I’m glad he did. Turned out she’s not a bit scary, but a thoroughly delightful person. Besides having a REALLY BIG BRAIN, she's the sweetest person on earth. The others on the panel were Parnell Hall, W.S. (Wendy) Gager and Con Lehane.

What was great about this panel was that Harry Bosch won! If you’re only going to know one of the contestants, it pays to know the winner…

The second panel was the one I had really been looking forward to. It was moderated by my hero, John Gilstrap, and included my new best friend, Con Lehane, my smoking buddy, Mike Lawson, the aforementioned Ruth Dudley Edwards, and the festival guest speaker, Bob Brier (aka Mr. Mummy) who is the best-known Egyptologist and mummy expert working today. Our panel’s mandate was to discuss how our jobs have affected our writing. My “job” that I discussed mostly was my days as a criminal… When I told what my job was, half the audience on my side moved over to the other side…

I’m kidding! It was a great panel and we had a wonderful time and the audience was super.

I met so many interesting writers and I know I’ll leave somebody out. One guy who was really cool was Jim Doherty, a real-life cop who currently is the police technical expert on the Dick Tracy cartoon strip.

Deni Dietz was really cool. She’s a senior editor for Five Star Mysteries and told me to send her a query. Working on that now… She has had a fascinating life, including being a jazz singer in the French Quarter. I’m trying to remember if I’d ever seen her perform as it turns out we both lived there at the same time.

All the meals were provided for by the festival and were the best I’ve ever had at such a gathering. Simply delicious!

Alas, I had to leave early before the Saturday night banquet. I sprained my back a few months ago and it’s never recovered fully and it began acting up and put me in enough pain I had to leave for home early.

All-in-all, this was one of the coolest writer’s festivals I’ve ever had the pleasure of attending and honor of participating in. The folks who run it are true pros and every one a book lover and knowledgeable about the mystery and suspense genres. If you ever get a chance to go to the annual Magna Cum Murder, I recommend it heartily!

Blue skies,

Les

Bookmark their website for next year’s festival at http://www.magnacummurder.com/

JOKES REDUX

Hi folks,

Some of this I’ve posted before and some is new. Just thought you could use a good laugh or two. Please be advised to keep this from your young kids and relatives who have a burr under their saddle over cursing and X-rated humor…

 *

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason I don't talk to people for 25 years. Because I don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn and applying fertilizer.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky son of a guns.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this shit at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time Grandpa figures out how to open it, his butt will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the idiot. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge idiot.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: If your mom is still driving you to school, you’re not a “gangsta.” Pull your pants up so we don’t have to see your crack. It isn’t nearly as attractive as you might think.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh, wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember that the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just made it with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

*

JOKE

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me.

That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.

"I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

*

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

1.) Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2.) A day without sunshine is like, night.

3.) On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4.) I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

5.) 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6.) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7.) I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8.) You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

9.) I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be
without sponges.

10.) Honk if you love peace and quiet.

11.) Remember half the people you know are below
average.

12.) Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

13.) Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

14.) Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

15.) He who laughs last thinks slowest.

16.) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

17.) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

18.) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

19.) I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

20.) I intend to live forever - so far so good.

21.) Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

22.) If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

23.) My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

24.) Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

25.) The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

26.) Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

27.) When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

28.) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

29.) A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

30.) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

31.) For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

32.) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

33.) Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

34.) No one is listening until you make a mistake.

35.) Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

36.) The colder the x-ray tables the more of your body is required on it.

37.) The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

38.) The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

39.) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

40.) To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

41.) How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

42.) You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

43.) Two wrongs are only the beginning.

44.) The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

45.) The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

46.) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

47.) Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

48.) If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

49.) Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

50.) Get a new car for your wife... It'll be a great trade!

*

Thanks to a retired Air Force officer for sending this "paraphrase" of a memorable public safety announcement from Alaska Air flight attendants...

"I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like 'what the heck?' (Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it."

Before takeoff... Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening.

We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is... the flight attendants. Please look at one now. There are five exits aboard this plane: two at the front, two over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. (This is excellent advice, and something I always do.) We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now
to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, and then work your way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car because you're in an airplane -- HELLO!!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is .... Oh here it is; the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind.

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.

If you all weren't strapped down, you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?

After landing... Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the copilot's fault. It's the Asphalt.

Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try.

Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift happens."

*

Posted November 21, 2007 01:03 AM November 21, 2007 01:03 AM

 woodman
i haven't heard from you in a while. thought i'd give you an update.
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did. my wife read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. we even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send, the wife said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

i locked my keys in the car yesterday. i was really worried because it took me two hours to get the wife and kids out.

my sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if i'm an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like my brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.

Three of my friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. my other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

hope you and the family have a good thanksgiving. if you get by the piggly wiggly save me some yoo hoo's.

Your Favorite websta 20dad.

Hope you enjoyed these! I’m off to the Magna cum Murder convention at Ball State University  this weekend. Hope to see some of you there.

Blue skies,

Les

Review of Nigel Bird's novel, SMOKE

Hi folks,

http://www.amazon.com/Smoke-ebook/dp/B005UO9USY/ref=sr_1_1_title_0_main?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1319128108&sr=1-1

What a delight Nigel Bird’s novel, Smoke was to read! Not simply because it was a crackling good story, wondrously told (which it is), but it was simply refreshing since it began with the depantsing of a young boy and then centered around a dog fight. In these days in this country (U.S.) of rampant Political Correctness gone absolutely amuck and insane—when great books such as Huckleberry Finn are sanitized to suck the very marrow out of their brilliance to satisfy some politicized bullshit group or other who aren’t satisfied to run just their lives or thoughts but want to control the rest of us, refreshing is precisely the word to describe work like Bird’s. With groups of grim-faced citizens who appear to have sphincteritis extremis along with a secret handshake and generous funding for television ads seeking to control the rest of us—it seems to be up to the Brits to show us what this freedom of speech thing that we read about in history books is all about.

Personally, I like dogs. I find most breeds to be fine eating, and, if harvested at younger ages, approaching gourmet status, particularly when sage is used judiciously and not overmuch.

This is a great piece of fiction that shows us a world many aren’t exposed to—that’s a value in itself—but more, it shows how young boys are shaped by the cruelty visited upon them. Now that is valuable. If Jimmy hadn’t been depantsed, if he hadn’t grown up in a world of gamblers and dog fights and people rendered cruel and hard by their circumstances, if he had instead received that moronic version of family life ala the Beave and his kin, then he might have turned out to be a nice man, living in the suburbs, fussing over his lawn, and looking forward to each day selling life insurance and playing golf on the weekends and wondering if his medical insurance will buy his Viagra. But, he didn’t, and neither do millions of other young boys. And, it’s a good thing when a novelist shows us these worlds we perhaps aren’t exposed to. It’s a good thing to see how life smacks down people and shapes them in ways that aren’t good. How else would we know? And if we don’t know, how  can we ever hope to change lives and conditions of living?

From billboards and bumper stickers?

Get this novel. It’s the real deal.

Blue skies,

Les