New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky son of a guns.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this shit at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time Grandpa figures out how to open it, his butt will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the idiot. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge idiot.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh, wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember that the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just made it with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.
That one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.
"I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
1.) Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2.) A day without sunshine is like, night.
3.) On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4.) I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5.) 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6.) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7.) I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8.) You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9.) I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be
10.) Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11.) Remember half the people you know are below
12.) Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13.) Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
14.) Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15.) He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16.) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17.) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18.) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19.) I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20.) I intend to live forever - so far so good.
21.) Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
22.) If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23.) My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24.) Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25.) The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26.) Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
27.) When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
28.) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
29.) A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30.) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
31.) For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
32.) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
33.) Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
34.) No one is listening until you make a mistake.
35.) Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
36.) The colder the x-ray tables the more of your body is required on it.
37.) The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
38.) The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
39.) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
40.) To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
41.) How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
42.) You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
43.) Two wrongs are only the beginning.
44.) The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
45.) The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
46.) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
47.) Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
48.) If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
49.) Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
50.) Get a new car for your wife... It'll be a great trade!
"I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like 'what the heck?' (Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it."
Before takeoff... Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening.
We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is... the flight attendants. Please look at one now. There are five exits aboard this plane: two at the front, two over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. (This is excellent advice, and something I always do.) We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.
In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now
to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, and then work your way down.
In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.
Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car because you're in an airplane -- HELLO!!
There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is .... Oh here it is; the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind.
In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.
We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.
If you all weren't strapped down, you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?
After landing... Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the copilot's fault. It's the Asphalt.
Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try.
Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift happens."
Posted November 21, 2007 01:03 AM November 21, 2007 01:03 AM
i haven't heard from you in a while. thought i'd give you an update.
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did. my wife read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. we even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send, the wife said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
i locked my keys in the car yesterday. i was really worried because it took me two hours to get the wife and kids out.
my sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if i'm an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like my brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.
Three of my friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. my other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
hope you and the family have a good thanksgiving. if you get by the piggly wiggly save me some yoo hoo's.
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